Talk About It #28 ©
We all have our stories. By that I mean, either those we were told about ourselves when we were really young, or those we may have told about us from times that we did remember the memories. How much, or even any of these stories may be true or not, we may rarely question ourselves about unless they are challenged. Then one day a small voice in a far corner of our mind asks: “How long are you going to keep telling that story? You know very little of it is even true any more.” Kind of like a fish tale that has become part of your fabric, your make-up of who you are, but now who you were. Part of the journey is letting go of all the facade or rationalizations, or dare say – lies about how you managed to become who you are despite all those things you overcame – or did you? The problem with stories is that the more they are told, the more real they become to you, your ego and definitely your subconscious. How could you possibly accomplish nearly what you could have, when you had so much to work through, or had going against you? What you need to ask is, “Are you ready to let go of that crutch and stand on your own two feet with responsibility for your Past?”
Some pain from the Past – a loss, mistake/missteps or whatever, does need to be talked about – no matter how painful. Though inappropriate rehashing can not only make old pain very new, but can also turn into a competition or one-up man-ship, as to who had the worst childhood. It is your truth, but is only healthy when dealt in truth. As I’ve said before, no one was raised in Disneyland, but that doesn’t mean that you are forever stuck on Fantasy Island. If you’re not ready to talk – write about it. There is something very cathartic of the release that the words onto paper can do – almost like automatic writing in its honesty. Releasing the pain is a necessary step along the path, otherwise it turns into scar tissue that will only get worse over time and “infect” other stuff or people connected to it, as well as you. Separate the chaff from the wheat, so the process will be effective, and get it out of you one way or another. The fabrications may have been to cover up the severity of the pain. Either way, you don’t have to suffer with it all pushed down inside eating you up, or wasting energy for the avoidance. Emotions have nothing to do with intellect or talent, if they did I wouldn’t be writing this! For most of us, painful emotions take us right back to that child who made mistakes, or wasn’t good enough to some significant adult.
I had a friend who had been molested by her father in her preteens. We were in our twenties before she ever told me, though we had known each since kindergarden. When I tried to get her to talk about it, she insisted that she had put it all in an iron-clad steel box, concreted over, and it would never, ever be opened. She then told me she wanted me to forget what she had said, and never bring it up again. She was fierce in her words and her face was actually so scary I will never forget it. She never saw that her scars were still festering as they prevented her from having or choosing the right men, relationships or marriages. While she never drank, because her father had, she was a true, raving shopaholic, as with the driving need to collect things, as her sole possession. Her obsessiveness with it eventually destroyed not only her financial stability, but her relationship with friends, as well as her children.
We all know people that would rather stuff the dirt under the rug than take it out and deal with forgiving themselves and any other person involved. Just as anger is a secondary emotion – no one simply just gets angry – there is something that caused it, even when that something has been buried for twenty plus years. So we could say that anger is also a tremendous waste of time and effort, or energy. How many people do you know that continually bring up things that happened from their Past over and over again – the old beating a dead horse syndrome? They don’t really do anything about it, they just talk about it, sometimes set off by a similar situation or totally out of the blue. It may all be a ‘woe is me’ or ‘poor me’ syndrome, or just the need for attention. I’ve often wondered if their attachment to the negative was part of them not liking themselves, or basic to their excuse for not being their best. Or unfortunately, feeling that they did not deserve to have any, or a lot of good, positive things in their lives – sad, very, very sad.
Every time I overheard my parents having an argument, if it was serious enough, my mother would dredge up the same old things that my father had done at least twenty years before. Do we want to be around these people? – No! Would it help if we said to them to let it go? Probably not. These kinds of ego-driven patterns are what some people think work for them. To others, they may feel some satisfaction of trumping the other person. But obviously there was no joy, happiness or even love involved. So these people stay in their ruts and we move on. I can’t imagine, as being in the space of who I have now become, that I would remain more than a few minutes, even on the sidelines of such a negative confrontation. To me it would be a tremendous lack of respect for myself to do so. Those people who say that they like a good argument are usually looking to show how smart they are, or simply that they can be louder, if not as clever.
I used to believe I was being helpful by correcting people – in whatever context of their mistaken statement. I don’t anymore unless it something that their error would send them off in the wrong direction or trouble. Confrontation is no longer part of what I want in my life, or participation of energy. I constantly remind myself that everything is a choice, and while I may have concern for friends that I feel are doing what is negative, or not in their best good, I may state something once and then remain silent – hopefully.
Many people are quite content in their ignorance, and really don’t want your opinion, even if their facts are entirely wrong. We truly all do see things with different eyes and hear with different ears. How often I have been amazed when watching the same movie, lecture or whatever, and others with me came away with very varying results, feelings or ideas. While there is no way to convince some people even with the facts clearly stated in black and white, as they say, with and within yourself you need to acknowledge what of your stories are truthful, or only repeated to heal them.
Exercise: Sometimes it is good to make those lists again – who inspired you? Who criticized you – blew you off? Do Not settle for less than you are. What others think negatively of you is not your concern any more. The process of life unfolds one step at a time – try to make as many steps as possible happy steps, even joyous. You can choose to make the process a happy journey, even thinking of the bumps as a roller coaster that gave you a good learning experience, if not a happy one. Everyone loves a good story, just make it funny or show your sense of humor in how you learned from it.
Tags: Talk about it
